Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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