Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
