It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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