i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
