My underwear smells like fireworks.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
