I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
