They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
