I can text with my tongue
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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