Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
