Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
