fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
