I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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