If i come over, it means nothing
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
