So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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