he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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