This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
