I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
