I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
