he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
