So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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