I accidentally burped into my bong.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
