he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
