I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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