I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
