everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
