hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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