Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my sisters under your porch take her home
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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