I feel great
I just peed on a car
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
