i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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