A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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