Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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