We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
