I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
