The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
