i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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