"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
