alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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