I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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