Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
