Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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