Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
