I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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