found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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