By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
