She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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