I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
