youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
