It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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