My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
