i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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