So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
