my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
