So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
