I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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